best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
