My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
