your thong is hanging out like whoa
Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize