She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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