Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
