He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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