I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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