I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
