I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
