I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
