someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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