If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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