Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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