Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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