new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
