and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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