mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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