omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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