Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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