did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
