You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
