Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
did you just send me my own nude
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
