Just fell off a train. Bad.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
