you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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