You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
