Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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