They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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