we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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