You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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