her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
