So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
