i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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