everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
