Duck Duck Cougar?
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
