so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
