She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
