I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Randomize
