super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Houston, we have a squirter
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
