I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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