he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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