is your mom at the bar?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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