You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize