Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
