i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
