We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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