Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
