i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
