I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Randomize
