he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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