i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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