I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
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You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
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Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.