Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years