Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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