help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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