the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
