My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
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